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Personal Journey |
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My Personal Journey with OCD Before, During, and After Cognitive Behavior Therapy
I
was nineteen years old and working in a chemical plant in I
suddenly noticed that I had an urgent need to go and recheck whether or not I
had flushed the toilet at work. I began
to obsess about whether or not I had paid a floral bill and about a white lie
I had told. I barely slept and had to
quit work. My mother kept taking me to
our family doctor. Little did I know,
but my journey with OCD had begun. My
family doctor sent me to the local Psychiatric ward to be evaluated since he
could not find a cause for my illness.
While there, I was so scared and I started to cry. They put me in a straight jacket. My family doctor got me released and I went
home to suffer some more. It
is my personal belief that anxiety has to have a way out of the body –
whether by OCD, tics, pacing, depression or in my case an emotionally based
speech problem. This plagued me for about the next twenty years or so. Sometimes I could barely say my name. In
1969, I married my wonderful husband and later had three beautiful
children. I was blessed that during
all of those years, while raising my kids, that harming thoughts of OCD did
not plague me. I had an occasional
thought or felt like reaching out to touch someone in the grocery store. I thought it was because I was
homesick. My husband was and is very
supportive of me and my thoughts. Even
before we knew it was OCD that I suffered from he told me “everyone has awful
thoughts sometimes.” In
1984, after surgery, I went into a clinical depression. I barely slept or ate. I had to do something! I went to the local psych ward of the
hospital in NY. It was the hardest
thing I ever did but the best thing, too.
I stayed there for six weeks. After
going off of the drug, Xanax, I
noticed thoughts like being careful around a pair of sharp scissors became,
“what if I picked them up and stabbed someone, or what if I stabbed my dog
with a knife while unloading the dishwasher.”
But, I loved my pet. I would
never want to hurt her! A
doctor never actually diagnosed me with OCD or even mentioned it. A friend, who was a psych nurse, gave me
info about OCD and thought that’s what it was. Later, my doctor agreed with the diagnosis. My
life became a nightmare of harmful and sexual thoughts. These thoughts were everywhere – I might
run over someone with a car, touch someone inappropriately, stab the dog, say
the “F” word, and on and on. Then
I found a wonderful therapist. She
confessed that she was not well educated about OCD. But she studied and we had a workbook to go
by. I
am also fortunate to find and join the Central New York Obsessive Compulsive
Foundation Affiliate support group in My
therapist, Susan, and I worked together.
I took my three most disturbing thoughts and used the hierarchy
method. I first made a tape using the
third, least disturbing thought, then the second and finally the number one
most disturbing thought. I
would sit by myself, or with my dog, and play the tape over and over and
over, listening in detail how I would stab the dog, the police would come,
everyone would hate me, etc. The
thoughts never became silly or funny or common but HABITUATION occurred. I got so used to hearing the tape that the
thought lost its fear or punch. I know
OCD people don’t act on their thoughts; they react to the fear of the
thoughts. I had learned a coping
mechanism. I had my first glimmer of
hope. Let the thoughts come! Now
I don’t run from the thoughts. I
follow them through – for example, if I see a sharp knife in the dishwasher,
I say to myself, “yes, I could stab my dog but I don’t want to today. I’d rather play with her.” I breathe deeply and go on about my
day. ( It is also worth noting, that
for me , taking 25 mg of Anafranil helped to calm down the thought enough so
I could concentrate on the I
was fortunate that my therapist had educated herself about OCD. In 2007 she attended the Behavior Therapy Institute ( 1.
The importance
of treatment readiness – working through ambivalence and resistance (exposure
therapy is scary!) 2.
Treatment
interfering Behaviors a.
Skill deficits b.
Treatment of
incompatible beliefs c.
Emotional
dysregulation – learning not to overreact to emotions, the patients know the
anxiety will eventually come down d.
Environmental
contingencies (Ex. Parent not on
board, stress at work) 3.
Gaining
detailed information on developing exposure hierarchies – 3, 2, 1 Susan
says “The From my point of view: The therapy methods and techniques that
helped me the most were the exposure tapes, deep breathing exercises, keeping
a journal, continually educating myself by reading many books, challenging
the OCD by ‘bossing it back’, using metaphors, etc. I
know how hard it is to find a qualified person to help with |
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Created in honor and
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